When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize