It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
