I think i peed on brittanys purse
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
BRING THE BAGELS
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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