yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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