I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
