I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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