Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
