New invention idea: vibrating tampons
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
