I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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