i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You ruined the universe
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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