My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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