What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
