just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
