well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
