i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
