I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
