Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
