If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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