we have officially lost it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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