Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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