he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
