ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
