??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
