You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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