ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
