Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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