if only i could text you this smell
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I understand Curling. That high.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
