Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
