You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
