Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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