he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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