On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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