this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
