I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
