There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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