I cannot find my penis.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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