I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We need to get me chipped asap
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize