hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
