How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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