I wish my penis had an off switch
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
