It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
