Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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