I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
