like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
