I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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