last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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