you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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