I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
