And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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