So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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