if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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