Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
