Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
