I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
