I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
