Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
