My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize