If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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