Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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